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First, I would like to give a brief update to the coronavirus in Portugal. We are still on a pretty tight lockdown, although most people are cooperating without need for strict enforcements.

Coronavirus testing is available here to anyone who needs it. It’s not just empty rhetoric, either, but a fact. Cathy was not feeling well and had some concerns. She was able to get tested, even though she didn’t have all of the typical symptoms. The good news is that the results came back negative. What a relief! And a side benefit, our wills are now up to date!

Masks by Mail

I checked the mailbox today and what was in there? Eight masks for the two of us! A gift from the Portuguese government. Say what you want about socialism, but they really do care for their citizens here, and you feel it. We already had four masks sewn for us by our wonderful, caring Portuguese neighbor.

Portugal has had 600 deaths through the middle of April. Our only bordering neighbor, Spain, with approximately four times the population, is closing in on 20,000 deaths. Portugal benefited from an early warning and more favorable geography. But most of all, people are honoring the wishes of their President to stay home.

Here is a picture of President Marcelo Nuno Duarte Rebelo de Sousa deliver oranges and one of buying bread (alone!). His name might not fit on a bumper sticker but he seems to be well-loved here, from what I can see.

In America, I am reading a different story. There are large gatherings and mass protests being held against lockdowns. However, if you have no testing procedure in place, then the road back to normalcy will be longer. Testing helps to find those who may be spreading the virus without showing symptoms.

Why are safety precautions so important? Putting the numbers in perspective, at some point in May, more Americans will have died from coronavirus than from the entire VietNam War. Granted, a different kind of war, but with the same dire consequences.

That is the coronavirus update from Portugal for now. Please take all precautions seriously, wherever you are. It could save your life, or the lives of others!

The History of Pelourinhos (Pillories) in Portugal

The hundreds of pillories across Portugal hold a fascinating history. Believe it or not, I actually do some research during my writing. I have been known to get a few facts wrong, so I am trying to be more careful. But, please feel free to correct me when I am wrong! I do like to sneak in a bit of factual history among my rambling thoughts. I hope to pique your interest just enough for you to want to know more about Portugal.

I want to assure you that pillories are no longer used as a form of punishment. But if they were, and if you were allowed to dish out punishment, who would you want to see flogged in the public square?

The Pelourinhos were whipping posts where offenders were exposed to pain and public humiliation. Public flogging in Portugal was outlawed in 1895. That’s really not all that long ago when you think of it. Public flogging is still allowed on Facebook, though.

You may be surprised to know, though, that caning is still practiced in Malaysia, Singapore and Brunei, and beheading is still used in Saudi Arabia.

Hundreds of Pillories Remain Across Portugal

Pillories still stand in almost every community throughout Portugal. Most of them were built in the 18^th century, although the one in Braga is said to have been built back in the 15^th century. The pillory was the punishment of choice for a few hundred years.

The Catholic Church commanded every town to have two pillories and many of the pillories were built in church squares. Blasphemy, thievery and adultery were most likely the issues of the day. Having nuns whack your knuckles with a ruler was insufficient punishment.

As far as I can tell, the pillories in Portugal are different than in some other countries where they put your hands and head through holes and people threw health foods at you. Mostly fruits and vegetables, I think. Maybe the occasional potato. Ouch!

Self- Flagellation

Some people flog themselves! In March there was a procession outside our door in celebration of lent. This procession has become rather tame from what it used to be in the olden days. Back then, there was a lot of self-flagellation. Women would get aroused by watching men whip themselves. I’m not making this up. It is written up in the history books. That is why many of the men did it.

What is it about women that get turned on by men getting bloody? My advice to men is if you are looking for ways to please your woman, just go and beat yourself up, literally and physically. Anything short of killing yourself, of course. Although, a large life insurance might be a turn-on, also. Hmm.. maybe that’s what they mean by bigger is better.

In the Bigger is Better Department

Although totally unrelated to the subject at hand, this does belong in the Bigger is Better Department. I was walking and saw this in a grocery store parking lot. They actually have dedicated parking spaces for pregnant women. I just thought that it was pretty cool.

Bill Gates has been Tied to the Whipping Post

The theme of my last blog was conspiracy theories. It’s a personal favorite of mine because I am fascinated by what I consider cultish behavior. I might call myself somewhat of an expert on cults, having been in one myself in Hawaii during the 70s. Facts don’t matter much in cults. And the messenger isn’t important either, no matter what kind of misinformation the person has spread in the past.

Bill Gates has been pillorized (that is a word) lately by conspiracy theorists. He is either the most evil person on the planet or the most benevolent.

Gates is evil if you think that he wants to inject tracking chips into every human being on the planet using his vaccines. Apparently, his tracking devices use the latest in nanotechnology. These so-called microscopic tracking devices are for the clandestine, one-world globalists to track your every move. That theory seems to be catching on across the internet.

He is benevolent, however, when he is going to give a million dollars to the first thousand people who like and share his generous giveaway offer. Yes, that is also circulating around the internet. Although, sometimes Gates is replaced by Oprah or Ellen DeGeneres. At least Oprah and Ellen don’t want to inject you with tracking devices.

Neither assertion surrounding Bill Gates is true, of course, but waaay too many people believe one or the other of those ridiculous theories. Oh, the other crazy theory surrounding Gates is that he gave a Ted Talk saying how he wants to decrease the population of the planet by spreading his vaccines.

Yes, Bill Gates wants to kill billions of people with his vaccines. That is his evil side. But his benevolent side was nice enough to tell us first in a Ted Talk.

My Own Personal Conspiracy Theory

I believe that corporations are out to get us by tacking charges onto our final bills after we cancel our services with them. I could be generous and say it is due to an acceptable level of incompetence among their employees. However, their refusal to listen to reason points toward nefarious intent. I believe that they are deliberately trying to screw us.

Cathy isn’t 100% onboard with my belief system. How am I ever supposed to build a cult following if I can’t get own wife to pledge her allegiance to me? As much as I have tried over the years to inject her with a good dose of cynicism, she has built up an immunity with her Pollyanna vaccine.

I have to admit, I have a personal axe to grind here against corporations who have gladly taken thousands of dollars from me over the years only to overwhelm my email inbox with bogus charges after we part ways.

I would love to have my own pillory and flog the CEO of Directv and Frontier Communications. Then I would work my way down to the customer service reps. This could take a while so bring your picnic lunches.

A Public Service Announcement for Anyone Moving to Portugal

I originally typed out all of the exchanges between myself and Directv and Frontier Communications, the two companies who tried to screw me after years of my indentured servitude to them. But it’s too long and boring. Kind of like Lenny Bruce reading his court transcripts onstage during his final act. Instead, I am posting this public service advice for those of you who are planning on moving to Portugal, or any other place for that matter.

Number One: Make sure that you have emails verifying that you have done everything to their satisfaction when closing an account. Take pictures of everything that you are sending back. Keep chat conversations. Do all this and you might have a fighting chance.

Your cellphone provider, internet provider, cable company, they will all try to cheat you out of extra money after you close your account, no matter what my wife thinks.

This is the picture of the Directv equipment I returned, sitting on the UPS counter. In retrospect, not good enough. I should have organized it better and taken pictures of serial numbers. My mistake.

Update on Portuguese Residency

You may be one of the people following this blog, hoping to gauge your own path toward becoming an expat. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything encouraging to report. If you were caught in limbo on this side of the pond, you are in good hands. There is medical care available and the Portuguese government is treating us as residents even though we’re not. They are throwing time restrictions out the window for now.

If you are caught on the other side of the pond, I know you are disappointed and stressed. Nobody can give you any firm dates and some of you have already sold your home and possessions just before isolation hit. Patience and faith are your best allies right now.

Those of us who are here after getting our visas, and waiting for our interview for residency, are on hold. A couple of friends of ours were scheduled for their interview in Brago, way up north. They called the day before to confirm. They had to spend the night up there because the four-hour drive was too far to do it all in one day. But, their appointment was cancelled in the morning. Bad luck! But I must say, their positive attitude was impressive!

Our appointment was scheduled for May 26^th but it has been postponed indefinitely. The plan now is to tentatively start up the interviews on July 1^st and take everyone in the order they were in. So, it’s gonna take a while…

In the meantime, being holed up here isn’t so bad. Here is our sunrise view from our apartment in Mafra. We will have a sunset view in Ericeira after construction is completed. Building has slowed down a bit, under the circumstances.

Is Everything Perfect in Portugal?

No country is perfect. I don’t want to give you a false perception. For instance, I spent over two hours on hold with the cellphone company today before getting disconnected. That was after navigating through multiple prompts in Portuguese of which I barely know a word. Well, I do know a few more words this month than last.

All I can say is that I am happier here than in the US. By nature, I am not always happy. I still shake my fist at the clouds from time to time just to keep in practice. But everyone has to find their happiest place. I’ve found mine and I hope you find yours!